Some Old Stuff

I'm looking at my USB and discovered I put a bunch of old poems I once had in a notebook, onto the computer.  I did not think I had my USB stick that long, but this could have very well came from this desktop computer I once had.

DJ


You’re just a stranger in the windy shadows to me
 I wish I had never met you
Can’t you let me be?
Then I wouldn’t be so sad
Why did you make it so complicated?
Why did you leave me?
These conversations are pointless
Why did you hurt me?
You treat everything like a joke
When I’m trying to be serious
If you think I’ll go back to you
Then you must be delirious

***

Sunday 11/1/98
Nicole

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be sane
Like I’ll never be whole
Like I’ll always be the blame
You were my friend but now you’re my foe.
You were never my friend
Why do you hate me so?
I thought I could trust you
I thought that you cared
But when it came down to me
Your judgment was impaired
It seems like every time
I meet a new guy or a friend
They seem to stab me in the back
And tell me the end
Now I know I know I’m sane
I know I’m whole
I know I’m not the blame
Because you were telling jealous lies
And did nothing but despise
Now I know you were never my friend
And I’m telling you the end Foe friend

***

Today I was sad
But now I am glad
That I broke free
From all the pain you caused me
 You were nothing but trouble
You hop skipped on the double
You were free to roam
While I was forced to stay home
 You ran all around And f*cked every girl in town
I was nothing but your little toy
Taking care of our baby boy
 Now we are apart
And I feel in my heart
That I will be better
And live my life happily ever after

***

 All my pain and suffering in gone
I finally know where I belong
I took a drive in my car
 To figure out just how far
 I had to figure out what was going on
I now know where I belong
All my pain and suffering is now gone
I took a drive in my car
To figure out just how far

***

I was going to put up with
All of your bullsh*t
But then it hit
Me that you’re not worth it
So why bother?
I quit
There are plenty of guys out in this world
That would take a chance with this girl
Who will accept me for who I am
And no matter what I do
He’ll still be my man

***

Monday 1/26/98

Life is too short
You must go on to face the hurt
To find a new one that might
Cause you pain
You have nothing to lose
You have everything to gain
That’s the way things go in life
Don’t ask me why
All you have to do
Is just give life a try

***

 9/22/98

You were the biggest loser that I ever met
You were the only one that I couldn’t get
You were the most confusing lover I ever had
Your confusion f*cked me up and made me sad
Then you left the way like a shadow would at nightfall
But unlike a shadow, you hide from all
Oh well! F*ck it!
Don’t need you
Go find someone else
Make them sad and blue

***

Tuesday 12/8/98

I’m getting my life together
I’m proud of what I’ve done
I can finally feel some freedom in my accomplishments
Let’s see how far this goes
How far it will continue
I’ve had little encouragement along the way
But that’s OK
Because I’m doing it all on my own
In my accomplishments I finally found some freedom
I’m proud of what I’ve done
I’m getting my life together.

***

Sunday 2/7/99

I look like a kid
I look like my mom
But who am I?
What am I about?
I have my mom's eyes
I have my son’s inspiration
Who am I?
What am I about?
I have my fathers’ likes and dislikes
My brothers’ comments
My friends bravery and positive attitude
And I have my grandma's good wisdom
Who am I?
What am I all about?

***

7-7-99

Confusion has already sunk in for me
I don’t know what I’ll be doing
Or where I’ll be!
For one to be set off their course
Is just as easy as falling off their bike
Or horse
My thoughts have meanings
To all of my feelings
You can laugh and mock at the things I say and do
But I will be the one friend
Who will always be dear and true

***

Lightning

This is written for me, but thanks to the prompts in Ecrits Blogophilia.....

And yes, I know I won't get any points.  To tell the truth, I don't write for points.  I write for me! :)

Via Blogophilia (I changed the colors and added a border)

I had expected you to show up
Just like white lightning appears
But as the day had drawn an end
I realized one of my biggest fears

As the thunder rolls, you would not
And my head; the visions of eternity
I know my true fate; one of solitude
Brutal truth that we're not meant to be

The rules that stated I must abide
Fictional time; never on our side

The love never had a chance to bloom
The lightning strikes our sacred place
Visions of a wedding now lay buried
Dead memories of your beautiful face

I'm drowned forever in a sea of forgotten souls
A lost song you only hear when the wind blows

6/25/16 by ©Diana Jillian

Via Google Search (I changed the colors and added a border)

Yes's and No's

There's all these yes's and no's
I answer, but who else knows?
I somehow answer them wrong
To the beat of a song-less song

When I go to tell someone yes
It is usually my greatest guess
Falling right into some turmoil
The touching of a snail as I coil

If I even dare to tell someone no
It would still be a guilt into a go
They tell me how wrong I can be
When I say no; if they could see

Yes is an okay word to express
When you're not feeling distress
And if you are, you should say no
It is your birthright to tell them so

Written by ©Diana Jillian

Nineteen

3/21/16

I held onto nineteen
For as long as I could
Probably a lot longer
Than what I should

But nineteen had other plans
She decided to let me go
And while I plead and begged
She still gave me an answer of no

"It's time to move on and live!"
"Show them what you have to give! "
But this was something I couldn't.

A fortress of solitude
Not knowing when
And never looking back
To a world of ten

And when you stop looking
When you stop and stand still
You will feel that change
You will feel that chill!

©Diana Jillian

Never

 *Amative--Disposed to love.

When you start walking my way

I will find a way to change my day

There is nothing you can ever say

I will always find some way to hide

I can never be this image of society

A never ending value of propriety

And those days arrive with anxiety

Fighting over physical and spiritual

Think the things you do or do not

Of what can, but not worth the shot

It doesn't matter if the feelings are hot

Butterflies in the mist can linger a bit

Of the person you expect me to be

I'm a lady of values, can't you see?

In another life, I suppose that's me

But not when I want a guilt free life

You will have to find a path that's new

I can tell you I'm always loyal and true

I only deserve a life unloved and blue

For I will never be an *amative soul

I find the theory of everything in sing

Pulling upon me like a guitar string

But still, I cannot go along this thing

Because I don't trust myself enough!

Touch the frayed edges of the rope

finding within, there's only the cope

While there is life, there is hope

My hope is already dead and gone

Myself; I am the only one to blame

Hush, hush because I know this game

Came falling down like a hurricane

But I will reason and wash it away

©Diana Jillian 2/18/16

Running

If I were to run away

Would you follow?

Would you be weak?

And leave me hollow?

Because right now

I need a lost desire

When hope leaves me

Treading through mire

Would you run after me

If I were to run and hide

Or would you release me

Wash away with the tide?

Because I need to know

Your love is strong enough

To keep me safe with you

That you'll remain tough

I need to always know

That you'll stay true

Despite any messes

I may put you through

If you can't do this for me

Please let me go and run

Let me go in that final peace

Underneath the blistering sun

©Diana Jillian 12/5/15

Battle Scars

The screams falls upon silence
She has no more left in her
Perhaps someday
But today isn't one of them

To find comfort is all for naught
For no one cares to notice her
No one cares about her feelings
Or whatever battles she has

She's left with battle scars
Something she wishes to erase
And become healed
To be like everyone else

Or at least the way they pretend
Because she doesn't know how
To play that kind of game
Maybe some day she'll learn

©DJ 11/18/15

DJ

It's Not You, It's Me

All I can say is, "It's not you, it's me."
It just simply wasn't meant to be
As I look for sales of the loans I made

I only know there's no amount of glue
That could ever fix my heart from you
But I know to never be friendly again

I've waited, I've searched, I've wondered why
I would be given false hope, and a gray sky

Whatever it was you made me believe
Was only just a plan for you to deceive

You left me to feel pain, to sit and cry
And now I have to go and say, "Goodbye!"
For what other choice was I given?

All I can say is, "It's not you, it's me."
It just simply wasn't meant to be
As I'll never get close to others again

©Diana Jillian 10/4/15




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(Poem) (Rhyme)

Gray Areas

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Far and wide across the Universe
And in the land of infinite miles
You'll find there lies a lot of gray
In between black and white tiles

Looking in a world beyond the stars
In through a world of crooked styles
You'll find between black and white
There lies a lot of gray-shaded smiles

©Diana Jillian

Still Life

Blowing in the wind
The dust that swirls around
With a broken heart
Smushed into the ground

If I told you to call me
Would you?
In a painting of still life
Forever blue

©Diana Jillian 9/15/15

At Land's End

Hi!

At lands end, we'll all play in the ocean
Kiss the sunlight, and sing to the sky
"Why can't we be friends?"
Because it's not something I understand

Our bones and blood are the same
We feel, think and breathe
So why is this an issue at all?
Why can't we all just be

Death arrives, but it's never final
We fly along side of the ocean
Till we reach our new destination
A new beginning to repeat it all

But we have the chance to change
We can change it all now
By learning from our history
Instead of not listening and repeating

At lands end, we'll all play in the ocean
Kiss the sunlight, and sing to the sky
It will be sung in a different tone
Forever to know, we're never alone

By ©Diana Jillian  7/19/15

--DJ

Weeping Angel

Fellow Whovian fans....Sadly, this post is not about the aliens called the Weeping Angels...Though one day, I hope to be able to write one! :)

--DJ





The question of a thousand dreams
Never turning to what it seems
At least not for her

She dreams her funeral will fill
Those who choose to visit at free will
But she knows differently

God has not granted access to free her of spell
By her shadow is where the dark angel fell
This world was never meant for her

She is ready; has been since being born
This soul she has is tattered and torn
Why has this dark angel not shown kindness?

Gone is what was once a good soul
Replaced with nothing but a gaping hole
She seeks freedom from this plane

Will she ever close her eyes for good?

7/2/15 by ©Diana Jillian

Travelling Blues

Travelling Blues


And so there is a story that speaks of a true tale
As the saying goes, “There’s no cure like travel.”
The only travel I seek, is a chance for a do-over
So I can be together; so I won’t be a complete ravel

But I do not wish for a do-over, I wish just for over
As I know this is not my life, It wasn't meant for me
When I do come across a set of crows, I can only hope
They are as good to me in such a way I could never be

Source Unknown

What if I ever stopped to even look for that bridge?
Should I cross that bridge once it has been found?
And if I see it, should I walk over it, or turn and run?
Or get myself a lighter and burn it down to the ground

What am I afraid of? What the hell am I afraid of?
And as darkness falls, who will be the last to fall?
I would be the one. First to fall; last to rise and see
The game is at stake, but I’d be the first to lose it all

Written by ©Diana Jillian 6/14/15, Sunday

Year

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES





Yesterday I was a clueless me
Today I am a different me
What a difference a year makes

I was a scared little girl
Who thought she had friends
What a difference a year makes

I've learned my only allies
Are the ones that live with me
What a difference a year makes

I've discovered things about me
Things I've never known before
What a difference a year makes

When you feel you can't break free
If only you could turn around to see
What a difference a year makes

©Diana Jillian

X-Ray

I do not wish for X-ray vision
But I would like a glimpse into the mind
Some confuse me so badly
And I'd like to know what they're thinking
But then again....


Maybe that's a bad idea
Since I'm good at reading others anyway
To read minds and feel emotions
Would surely drive me insane
One is good enough

©Diana Jillian

Whatever

"I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work"
Thomas Edison




When I say, "It is what it is," I don't need an argument
However, I need a friend that'll say, "Everything's alright."
As much as I want that, I know I'll never get that
Time keeps ticking, and I've still not found friends like me
Even though I am a wishful thinker, I need to cast it away
Vast waters engulfs me, telling me what I already know
Every-single-thing sends reminders I need to move on
Rightfully in the place of where I truly need to be

©Diana Jillian

Versatile

VERSATILE

Versatile is not my thing, although it can be
Every where I turn, I can't catch a break
Running away seems like fun, and then I realize
Sometimes you can't run away from your problems
And also the possibility that I am an grown up
Time is always a funny love/hate relationship
In a universe full of so much wonder undiscovered
Let us learn from other lessons instead of repeats
Every thing does turn out alright in the end, I believe.

©Diana Jillian

Universe

UNIVERSE

4.24.15

Unravel the closed up mind
Never settle for what you only see
In your childhood, you once believed
Vast amounts go beyond time and space
Everlasting souls emerge and are reborn
Reverse time back to your youth
See the universe for what it truly is
Everything is possible in your YOU-niverse

©Diana Jillian

The One You Don't Know

A subtle gesture soon under attack
As though I am drowning in the lake
Drive through my heart the stake
"In leaves no step had trodden black"**

Far down to Miami from New York City
More like Sarasota but same difference
Even so, I still find it kind of shifty
More like it's a tragic kind of a pity
You don't see me hidden behind the fence

Time comes and goes; crashes into the shore
And yet, you never once ask me about my day
Instead my heart stops, crumbles to the floor
And you never ask me if there is anything more
Than a day shattered, and thrown far away

...And instead of awakening into the light
It's a shame we no longer stop to say, "Hello."
We stumble and fall; losing our step in flight
In the corner of your eye, never noticed in slight
The girl behind the fence that you didn't know

Written 10/5/14 by ©Diana Jillian

**Line from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken....

~~DJ

I Didn't Ask

I DIDN'T ASK

Written by ©Diana Jillian 3/18/12

I didn't ask to be
Or maybe I did
If rebirth is true
Guess we'll never know

What exactly is
I see life

Death

Miracles

Something is there

Right?

This can't be it

Can it?

Confused

Depressed

Yet

Hopeful

Something will surface

Or not!

Maybe I want to know
Maybe I don't
The truth
Can help or hurt
Depending on
Which way you go

©Diana Jillian 3/18/12






(Poem) (Prose) (No Rhyme)